December 2011
1 post
November 2011
1 post
7 tags
Lively Productions turned my short story into a...
Listen to my McSweeney’s piece “Blanche DuBois Gives You a Tour of Her Company’s Christmas Party” performed as a monologue by Lively Productions.
Click on the 11/21/11 podcast, and start at the 5:24 mark. Enjoy!
August 2011
1 post
1 tag
May 2011
1 post
February 2010
7 posts
3 tags
G: some people don't even know the meaning of "purim spirit."
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A: I’ve found out that I’m ok at Call of Duty 2, that I shouldn’t smoke when I’m sick, and that Zach Galifianakis used to have a talk show.
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A: My neighbor down the hall just asked to borrow a cup of milk. We had no milk.
G: This is like a Russian movie.
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G: Am i the only one around here who is chock full of ennui?
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[upon explaining to a Japanese friend the concept of online dating]
C: The guys are not looking good. Interesting…It is like the reality show.
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G: So! I bought a bag. A patent leather Marc Jacobs tote in navy and…TURQUOISE!
J: Good for you! Supporting the American Indians like that!
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January 2010
35 posts
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[regarding “Jersey Shore” e-cards]
P: Is that how they’re really whoring themselves out?
G: Supposedly they also demand $10,000 for appearances at clubs.
P: That, i’ve heard…I want $10,000 to show up and get drunk!!
G: All you have to do is look like an ass on national TV.
P: DUDE! I already look like an asshole here [at work]!!
G: That’s not the same as...
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L: i dont know about this new Grace. so lewd. just kidding.
G: it's unemployed Grace. so bitter.
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G: i want to get a black cat and name it Franklin.
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A: it's funny in a tragic sort of way. thank god nothing happened. imagine if paul stabbed that guy!
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G: did you see Gawker yesterday?
some dude called [former boss] "such a fag."
half of me has this stockholm syndrome feeling where i'm like, "hey, wait a minute!"
and the other half is like, "ooh, burn!"
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G: if you were on google talk [instead of AIM], you would see that my IM icon is a wide-eyed owl doing coke. srsly.
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A: i’m gon’ go light one then watch that infomercial again. afk, ninjas!
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L: “ghetto” usually means “fake ghetto,” as u put it. real ghetto has no internet connect.
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M: i think at one point, A offered to have my baby so that I could come to next year’s [company holiday] party.
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C: Meg sent me this for my bday…give it a listen http://tajtunes.com/iliyobi.html
G: whoa! so a live person called you and sang to you? i would love to have that job maybe!
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R: even when i was in that [music journalist] world i felt a little distant from the self-absorbed critics that populated it. though i do want to have chuck klosterman's babies.
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K: D is a little odd anyway.
he has this weird way of looking at you when you speak
as though he's trying to figure out if you're actually talking or if he's just imagining that you're talking to him.
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S: "vampire diaries," from what i've seen so far, has a gorgeous cast but more angst than "degrassi!"
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M: my favorite part of [karaoke on] tuesday was when you started rolling your shoulders while singing "my cherie amour."
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E: you so smart! how’d you get so smart??
G: sleeping with other smart people.
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M: you should hang out with me dressed like a WASP while I do meth and beg for train money.
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J: Keds?!
KEDS are back in style?
fuck no.
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G: my ex-bf was obsessed with joy division and nirvana. J: ah. and suicide?
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G: will anyone outside of NY get all these [Broadway] jokes?
T: probably not, but we all know only New Yorkers matter, you silly.
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D: i'll vote for [Obama]. he doesn't look like a free mason.
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F: i used to have the she-ra 'action figure'...she was always the sex maiden of all the he-man figures i had. but her legs were straight and didn't bend, like all he-man figures, so i had to use my imagination.
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Me, freestyle rapping on AIM:
i go to my kitchen make a creme brulee i’m gonna eat it with my homie robert goulet
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T: if i turned you into a vampire, you'd be my "childe."
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A: Damn, you're really McSweeney's-ing it up.
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G: are you gonna bring your wife?
B: hmm... we are kinda on the outs, so i doubt it.
G: ah. ouch.
B: yeah, oops.
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M: it's my theory that around october, people start breaking up. and then the singles mingle for a few months. and then mid-feb, they just re-couple and form new relationships. and then it's a holding pattern until the following october when the cycle starts again.
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S: do you vow to learn this [dance move]?
G: i'll learn it this week. that way, i can bust it out any time!
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Y: why does every [conversation] go to sex dungeons lately?!
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G: can you imagine a Designing Women theme party? J: short bolero jacket with generous shoulder pads. you know you been there.
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G: i posted on my bro's facebook wall: "maybe this is the klonopin talking, but i love you and i miss you and i can't feel my toes."
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G: [the party] felt very Reagan-era capitalist republican. rare steak, whiskey, douchebags in suits. A: then the michael douglas look-alike contest. G: right after the Patrick Bateman-off.
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S: [my in-laws] keep calling the area we like “the shire” and saying that that is where hobbits live and stuff.
December 2009
66 posts
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M: i was involved in some craptastic “indie flick” back in college, and it was such a waste of time. G: what kind of movie was it? those “indie flicks” always seem to have nudity.
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C: I’m presuming that that is your ideal man…a geek chic one. G: a tall, blue-eyed chic geek. there are more requirements, but i shan’t list them here. C: well, over time I will find out these requirements…perhaps the next one will be penis size.
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G: random fact: # 63 on today’s google trends list (most googled phrases/names) is: “what is teabagging someone?”
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T: i know i want kids, though i didn’t before. damn biological clock. G: i’m not a fan of the biological clock. T: i’m not a fan of any clock!